Meatballs!

That right Fink look at those steaming Weenies. Do you know what they are saying? This is the year that Fink beats the stomach.

The year that Fink beat the Stomach

Above is picture and quote from the spectacular and pivotal weenie eating contest from the movie Meatballs.

What is Meatballs? Meatballs is an amazing movie. It has been theorized that somewhere in the world at any given moment Meatballs is playing. And it should be playing because it’s that damn good. Very few movies compel me stop whatever I am doing and watch. Meatballs is one of those movies. The movie that made Bill Murray’s career. There very well may have been no Ghostbusters without Meatballs. Had a summer trip all planned out to visit the very campsite where this glorious film was created but alas it was not meant to be. I so wanted a camp North Star t-shirt. Now I have no direct summer camp experience but I can only imagine the grand time had by all at such a 4-star facility. Now what makes the film so great may be many things but mostly it is great because of how low-budget it is. That and the fact that Murray made up half of his lines. I can only imagine what he had to be thinking on the set. What in the hell am I doing here. But as I was saying the thing that makes this move great is the motivational speech given by Bill Murray that inspires Camp North Star to victory in the Olympiad. You know what I’m talking about…It just doesn’t matter, It just doesn’t matter, It just doesn’t matter…

It just doesn’t matter!

Those are words to live by. That is a mantra that can see you through your darkest times. Just remember it just doesn’t matter if your making some low-budget teen summer camp movie because the next thing you know you are working with Dustin Hoffman in drag.

Dustin Hoffman and Murray in Tootsie

Of course there is a dark side to this movie at that of course is the no less than three sequels it produced.

Again ladies really? Mc Steamy? more like Mc Dork!

Under no circumstance are these movies to be watched. I repeat under no circumstance are these movies to be watched with one exception…if you are a big Corey Feldman fan than please watch Meatballs IV til your heart’s content. Well possibly two exceptions. If and I mean IF you are a huge Patrick Dempsey fan you may also wish to watch Meatballs III. But as stated in a previous post to my blog I see no reason why anyone is a Patrick Dempsey fan unless you like NERDS! If that is the case Mr.Dempsey is at his typical nerdiness in that movie.

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Dorso the Dolphin

In remembrance of Dorso the Dolphin

Figuring out what a bad bear touch is.

When ever I’m feeling down and blue or uneasy with myself or not quite emotionally able to communicate my feelings I think back to what Mr.Gordy the guidance counselor at my school in 1st grade used to say,” There is nothing so bad that you can’t talk about it with someone else….not even bad bear touches.”

After these rousing words Mr.Gordy would pick one….. and only one student. That lucky bastard would get the honor and privilege to place upon his or her hand the sacred puppet that was Dorso the Dolphin. Once placed upon the chosen hand that student would get to swim Dorso through the wave and sing the Dorso the Dolphin song with Mr. Gordy that white haired wild eyed magnificent master of the elementary student’s mind and emotions. Many lonely lonely lonely nights since when like usually I am crying myself to sleep I still think to myself about his lessons and stare out at the moon with tear soaked eyes and scream out loud COME BACK DORSO…..COME BACK MR.GORDY! I would then return to my crying and uncontrollable sobbing. AH yes nothing but fond memories of a wild haired man and his dolphin.

Doc Brown reminds me of Mr. Gordy.

Ok so I did some research and so it is really DUSO the Dolphin but I remember it as Dorso the Dolphin. Hell I was in 1st grade so cut me some slack. Anyway doesn’t Dorso make more sense then DUSO. I mean dolphins have a dorsal fin don’t they? DUSO stands for “Developing an Understanding of Self and Others. I guess that is what Mr. Gordy was trying to do. All in all it must have worked because I still remember it to this day. I bet the lucky bastards that got to work the dolphin will never forget that experience.

For the eternally curious an overview of the program:

DUSO, which stands for “Developing an Understanding of Self and Others”, is a dolphin puppet who visits with all Kindergarten( it was 1st grade in my school) classrooms several times throughout the school year. A storybook and cassette tape are used to present the stories to the children, and then a brief discussion follows.

Some of the stories and topics which have been presented include:

1) The Underwater Problem Solvers – 5 rules of group discussion
2) The Red and White Bluebird – importance of being yourself
3) Duso Talks about Friends – friends are important, they help & understand
4) Gordo and Molly – sharing, taking turns
5) The Outsider – playing fair
6) A Spoonful of Sugar – being nice is more advantageous
7) Good Guy and Old Lazy – decision making
8 ) John Teaches Himself – feeling proud for trying
9) The Loafers – decide consequences for “loafing”
10) The Big Race – evaluation and redirection
11) Peekaboo Emu – everyone is important

What wonderful lessons Mr. Gordy was teaching us. Now I know why I am the well adjusted individual that I am today. Who would a thought I dolphin could do some much!

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Who has a good body?

As originally posted in early 2006. This is really a combination of two previous blogs but I think it works out nice.

SLIM GOODBODY

I cannot believe what I found out the other day. Not only is Wisconsin Public Broadcasting responsible for a great show like StoryLords but low and behold it is also responsible for the one and only Slim Goodbody! The best part is that the show was filmed right at my alma mater good ol’ UWGB. Just think while I was walking the halls there I could have be walking in the same halls that Slim himself had walked in…It really makes you think doesn’t it? All that time there I wish I could have run into him… I would have bought him a beer and some cigarettes and we could have talked about what drug he was on when he designed that demented bodysuit that filled my young boy dreams with nightmares and my now grown up dreams with something else. Good ol’Goodbody your fro was magnficent…it should be locked away at the Smithsonian for future generations to admire. I only wish that there had be a cross over episode or two. Like Thorzuul turning Goodbody to stone and then Norbie saving him and then Slim helping Norbie lose all that baby fat so that he could ask Janie to the winter social….ahhhh now that would have been great.


What kind of adventures could Norbie and Slim Goodbody had? I guess we will never know.

In an additional note Slim Goodbody says Broccoli is good for you!

Broccoli May Thwart Herpes Virus!

New Research Suggests Compounds in Cruciferous Veggies May Knock Out Herpes

By Denise Mann

WebMD Medical News

Brunilda Nazario, MD

on Monday, September 15, 2003

Sept. 15, 2003 (Chicago) — A compound found in broccoli, cabbage, and brussels sprouts may hold the key to thwarting the herpes virus, according to preliminary research presented Sunday at the 43rd annual Interscience Conference on Antimicrobial Agents and Chemotherapy (ICACC) in Chicago. The new findings may be one more reason to make broccoli one of your five to nine servings of fruit and vegetables each day.

Preliminary lab studies of monkey and human cells found that indole-3-carbinol (I3C), a compound found naturally in broccoli and other cruciferous vegetables such as cabbage and brussels spouts, may interfere with factors that helps cells reproduce.

The researchers found that I3C can inhibit herpes simplex virus, which also requires these factors to reproduce.

See you guys I told you I was right and that this was a scientific fact…Did you really think I made this up 3 years ago….NO! and I have been eating mounds of broccoli ever since. Take some advice from Slim Goodbody: Make a farmer happy and yourself herpe repelent by going out and eating some broccoli today

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Adventures in Time!

The making of a man

As posted early 2006. This is a true story.

I remember it as if it were only yesterday and for all I know it was. It was a cold blustery day when the time traveling pie and his robot companion came to visit me from the future. If I had known all that would be at stake I may have never gone with them, but what can I say when a time traveling pie and his robot friend ask you to go for a ride in their tricked out 1997 Astrovan you follow! Upon arrival in the future….2007….(did I mention I met the pie and robot on November 21st 1995, that is why I was so impressed with the 97 Astrovan)I saw a scary world filled with gas that was over 3 dollars a gallon and where everyone had cell phones and the internet. A side note, In my youth of 1995 I feared technology especially the internet and cell phones. I thought they would both bring about the end of civilzation and I was right. The time traveling pie and his robot pal told me that in the future I would find an urge to copy one of my brothers greatest halloween costumes and then take a picture of myself in said costume.

It was also important that one of the pictures be a shot of my brother painting my crotch.

I really didn’t understand, but before I could ask any questions the evil storylord Thorzuul and his sidekick Milkbreathe arrived and captured the pie and turned the robot to stone. Thorzuul told me that only my reading skills could save my friends. I knew that I was in trouble and that I may have to decide which of my new friends lived and which died. When I thought all hope was lost Lexor and Norbie both appeared, they are good storylords for the uninformed. A glorious and tremendous battle for the fate of the Earth ensued. In the end Norbie lay dead and Lexor badly wounded. Our poor friend the robot had been knocked over and now lay in thousands of pieces. All though was not lost as Thorzuul had been defeated when I successfully completed the story map unlocking the directions for how to do the elephant dance. The dance vanquished Thorzuul and freed the time traveling pie. Many a tear was shed that day. I still can’t get the sights and sound out of my mind. The pie returned me to my own time and told me not to despair that though today was a sad one brighter days lay before me. I never forgot that day or the advice that pie gave me and because of him and his robot friend I am the man that I am today.

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The Hoff!

I’ve been looking for Freedom!
As posted April 2006, though my thoughts on the matter have changed little.
How can’t you love the Hasselhoff! This man has done things we can only imagine! He blew down the Berlin Wall with the Power of his mighty singing voice. He took over the world one heartbeat at a time. All he had to do was glisten some sweat while running down the beach singing an incredibly well written and performed pop song while talking to his black Firebird that would be following down the beach trying to keep back the millions of women that would be trying to literally hold him down and suck out his semen so that they could be impregnated by the man little knowing that just coming within 2 miles of the man was a guaranteed lock of pregnancy! What women could resist him, what man wouldn’t want to be him
.

I’m going out tonight with a full box of Hasselhoff condoms and I am going to dress and smell like Hasselhoff because I will be wear ‘Scent of Hoff’ I will use every last one of those condoms I swear!

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NERDS!

Hot and NOT

as posted June 2008 though my thoughts have not changed on the matter but only grown stronger.

Chris O’Donnell  OR  Patrick Dempsy 

Above are two pictures of men that are deemed sexy. On the left the very hot and steamy Chris O’Donnell know for exciting roles such as Robin is the Batman movies and playing along side Al Pachino in Scent of a Woman..HOHA!. On the right is Patrick Dempsey best known for his works as a complete dork.

Here we see Mr. Dempsey in one of his typical roles. This picture was hard to come by as Mr. Dempsey wishes to ingore the fact that he is a very large nerd and in no way can be considered competion for the likes of say a Chris O’ Donnell.   Yes ladies I can see you all lining up to get with this guy. OH but wait make him a doctor and now he is sexy. I don’t think so ladies he is still 100% dork and I think deep down you know it. Those of you that think he is so Mc Dreammy are secretly nerd lovers and are just afraid to admit it. That or you are highly suseptable (spelled wrong I know but this is a blog and no one can spell anymore) to suggestion. TV says he’s hot so he must be. Shame shame shame on all of you women. Now Chris O’Donnell on the other hand is the personification of HOT! Am I wrong or am I wrong ladies?

This what you all really want regardless if he is a veterinarian or not.

Now to prove to you that I am not a whack job and in fact know hot from not.

Rosie O’Donnell NOT HOT! ( put here to prove that I do not have an unfair prejudice for people named O’Donnell)

 Britney Spears NOT HOT!

 Eva Longoria HOT!

 Marcie HOT!

I rest my case. And for those of you nerd lovers that disagree with me I have only one thing to say to you

NERDS!!!!! NERDS!!!!!!

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Masters of the Universe

He-Man

Why is it that only after Prince Adam held his shining sword aloft and yelled to all around that he in fact had the power did he transform into He-Man?

What does that “sword” represent?  Why is he handling it with 2 hands and glowing? And why does He-Man wear a sadomasochist outfit consisting of animal fur speedo and chain suspenders….which by the way are only there to hold the scabbard for his sword otherwise we are looking at a very nearly naked man. This outfit could only be challenged by the outfit Panthro wore on ThunderCats.

Letting Lion-O know he screwed up again

Pretty much the same outfit except that Panthro had leather suspenders with big metal spikes. By the way what are all the peoples of Eterna eating because everyone, aside from Ram Man

(don’t get me started on a character named Ram Man in this sea of half dress sadomasochist outfit wearing men), are all ripped out of their minds. I mean good guy, bad guy, simple farmer all sported bulging muscles, skimpy outfits and large cats to ride. Given the popularity of the show I cannot believe that more men my age are not harboring passions for men like this……..though this could explain the popularity of professional wrestling especially with men in the age group that would have watched He-Man. Just look at Mr. Wonderful. Has a finer example of manhood ever existed. What is not to love about grown men wrestling in their underwear?

Regardless it was a great cartoon and I am proud to say I had a He-Man lunch box and had the Prince Adam doll errrr I mean action figure( great birthday gift Quick).

On another note I have begun the countdown to married life. The hall is booked, the date is set, the church secured and hopefully the bride will show…….I watch too much TV and romantic comedies(what can I say I grew up watching He-Man). I am waiting for the comic or dramatic twist to occur. You know the guy from the past that realizes that he cannot live without me…..errrr I mean Marcie and makes it his sole goal to keep us from getting married so he can move back in. Or maybe the strange story from the past that gets completely misundestood and results in Dustin Hoffman screaming Marcie’s name and then running off with her as Simon and Garfunkel belt out Scarboro Fair. Or maybe Marcie meets her “soul mate” which she quickly discovers I am not and then tries to find this person, with the aid of Jeremy Piven and Eugene Levy, through a series of comic events culminating when she finds a$5 bill with his name on it and he lays down in the middle of a roller rink and gets a glove thrown at him. (Only serious John Cusack fan will know what that last reference is) Regardless if this all is to play out as a movie there had better be a section that plays out just like the greatest Tom Hanks movie of all time (no not Volunteers and not Joe vs. the Volcano)  but BACHELOR PARTY!

 

Here is to that special donkey show, I mean interspecies erotica, and not the show that took place late at night at Mooby’s in Clerks 2 and a night spent with Adrian Zmed of TJ Hooker fame. Man Zmed is hot!!!!!! They should have cast him instead of Dolph Lundgren in the live action He-Man

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Jartz are the coolest

Jartz…. All I wanted for Christmas

Does anyone remember Jartz….. No not the hot local tv news anchor….
..

No what I am talking about is the greatest toy ever created. Large objects with fins and heavy lead tips that may or may not easily puncture one’s head if thrown with great enough velocity or height….THESE WERE JARTZ! and they were the bee’s knees!

Then some goodie goodies had to go and ruin the fun for everyone!

What in the HELL? We used to take these beautiful creations of genius and throw them into the air as high as we could and then marvel at how far into the ground the jart would bury into the ground. Never did we fear or even realize that by throwing these things directly into the air that it may come down and bury itself into one of our skulls, torsos or other body part.

We didn’t care! I still do not care. I WANT MY JARTZ BACK! That is all that I want for Christmas is a complete set of Jartz so that I may relive a small portion of my youth. I will again throw them as high as i can into the air. Seeing that I am an adult now I will be able to throw them much higher and they will bury themselves much further into the ground or various body part. I will invite all of the neighborhood children over to experience the thrill of playing with Jartz. Quick your daughters will love the thrill of throwing deadly toys at each other or into the air leading to everyone scrambling for cover. I think that I will have to scour Ebay or maybe even construct my own set. All I need is some spare lead and plastic. Ho w hard could it be? Merry Christmas everyone and keep a keen eye to the sky especially in my neighborhood because never know when a Jart will come screaming back to Earth.

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